What to do when you’re not on the same page about slowing down drinking*
So you’ve made the empowering decision to cut back on alcohol. Maybe you want to lose a few pounds, sleep better, or just stop feeling like your wine glass is a permanent appendage. You’re feeling excited and motivated by this journey, but there’s just one teeny tiny problem: your partner isn’t on the same page. In fact, they seem to think you’ve lost your mind. They also continue to happily pop the cork on bottles of wine in front of you while you sip on your sparkling water with a longing glance at their glass.
If you’re reading this and nodding along, welcome. You are not alone. Here are some tips to help navigate this journey without ending up in a battle of wills.
Step One: The Honest Conversation: "I’m Cutting Back for ME"
At some point, you’ll have to have the talk. You know, the one where you tell your spouse that you’re cutting back on alcohol. Do this on your own terms, but ideally as early as possible to get their support (even if they don’t join you), and have someone to talk through the ups and downs with.
The key to this conversation is framing it in terms of you and your decision. Make it clear that this is your choice, not an intervention. If you explain that your body (or liver, or brain) is feeling a little overworked, they’ll hopefully understand that it’s not a judgment on their drinking habits, but a personal goal. Example:
"Hey, I’ve been thinking about cutting back on alcohol a bit. I just feel like my energy could be better, and I think this will help me with that. I’m not asking you to change, but I’d love it if you could support me while I break this habit."
That’s it. No dramatic “We’re both drinking too much!” or “You’re an alcoholic and I’m worried about you” stuff. This is about you, not them.
Next, we live and breathe by the BONDS method. B:Boundaries, O:Offer information, N: Narrate, D: Don’t Judge, and S: Support.
Boundaries
Your goal to cut back is your business, and you can’t begrudgingly drag anyone else along (though they may soon be inspired by your new habits and hangover-free glow). There may be some pushback from your partner, often because the thought of you drinking less makes them feel insecure or nervous about what this change might mean for your relationship. In their mind, they’re losing their drinking buddy, and they’re not too thrilled about it. Give them some time to adjust to this new lifestyle change alongside you.
While you can’t force them to join you, you CAN set firm boundaries and ask your partner to respect them. This could look like not keeping alcohol visible in the house or not drinking around you (perhaps just in the beginning as you work through the hardest weeks). Respecting your decision to not drink is the least a loved one can do and you absolutely deserve that as a bare minimum.
Offer Information
Once I learned the risks I was putting my body at with heavy drinking, I knew I could never go back. As you educate yourself it’s ok to share what you learn with your partner. I had no idea the increased cancer risks, the impact to my anxiety and stress levels - maybe your partner doesn’t either. Knowledge is power. Share the books you’re reading and podcasts you’re listening to (like this infamous one). If they push back and don’t want the information, you need to respect their boundaries as well. One day they may get there, but they have to do it on their own.
Narrate
Share everything you are going through - your triggers, fears and hopes. You can also share what you hope drinking less brings to your relationship. Maybe you’ll fight a little less, spend a little more quality time together, or even have more energy and interest in intimacy.
Ask them how this is impacting them too, and be willing to listen.
Don't Judge or Force
It’s tempting to get a little judgy when your spouse casually opens a bottle of Pinot or reaches for their third beer. But here’s the thing: you sat where they’re sitting not that long ago. So try to remember that and not pass judgment or get defensive through this process. Stay calm, stay positive, and remember that this is your journey, and yours alone. It can’t be about what your partner is doing.
Support
Having one or more accountability partners is crucial when you start cutting back, as it is common to feel very isolated. Sometimes our spouse can be that person, even if they’re not on the exact same journey. Like we mentioned earlier during “the talk,” the ask can be as simple as, “Hey, I could really use someone to talk this through with and check-in from time to time with. Could you be that person for me?” If not, consider joining an online community (I host one for women in an app you can try or free here), or simply lean on a friend who also wants to cut back as well. Having a buddy makes the journey feel less lonely and more fun.
And if you want to encourage your spouse to join you, try easing them in with something light and non-pushy. Suggest that they try a “Dry-ish Challenge” for two weeks (I offer a free one here) or a “Sober-ish Sunday,” where they enjoy non-alcoholic beverages alongside you. Maybe they won’t take it on, but you might spark an interest.
Conclusion
Here's the thing: you're doing this for you. No one else. And that’s a huge victory. So, raise your mocktail (or whatever you’ve swapped in) and toast to your new healthy habits. Your spouse can raise their glass of whatever they choose—and maybe, just maybe, they’ll want to try the nonalcoholic drink next time.
*Disclaimer: This content is not intended for people with Alcohol Use Disorder nor should be taken in lieu of advice from a medical professional. If you are worried about you or a loved one abusing alcohol please contact the National Helpline with Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 1-800-622-HELP.
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